Day & Night
could smell the fresh linens that stretched across our queen-sized bed. We washed them the night before so they were nice and cozy by bedtime. It was morning, and the sun was blinding my eyes. His hands ran across the sheets, spreading nostalgia across each thread. Something compelled me to feel lost and I hid under our duvet cover as if I wanted to be found. In my adorable attempt to pretend to be lost, there was an eerie feeling about the room.
I knew there was something wrong when everything stopped and his body wasn’t present. A gust of wind traced my body, giving me goosebumps. My body began to shift and change into a smaller version of myself, falling down a rabbit hole. The turbulence of falling was frightening but the idea of landing was terrifying. A single tear streamed down my face, as he whispered my name so softly. Why can’t you see me?
I was reaching and calling for him, yet he couldn’t hear me. I could feel him rustling around in our sheets while he waited for me. His pillow was full of his morning face. Yet he still couldn’t see me.
As seconds turned into minutes, I found myself closer and closer to the ground. I screamed his name more and more. These linen covers began to bleed from morning white into dark black night. The wind began picking up and my beating heart began racing against time.
“I don’t want to die like this!”, I screamed, shaking.
My mind started replaying the precious memories we shared. I remember the first time he pulled me closer. It was the first time everything stopped and nothing mattered but our closeness. In that moment I couldn’t see him but I felt him inching towards me and like a magnet I inched towards him. We inched close enough to ignite fireworks with this one kiss. I had always had my own opinion of the metaphorical kiss that felt like fireworks. The one thing I didn’t know was that my firework kiss was with him.
As the white morning transitioned into the dark night I began losing sight of this rabbit hole. The light above became smaller as I fell, until it was no more than a flickering candle. I felt hopeless, falling into oblivion. Windy walls that didn’t exist, the ground blending in with my sheets. These were the final notes I took before the candle completely burnt out.
The ground rushed up at me. I closed my eyes and waited to crash down and become dust. Instead, I stopped. When I opened my eyes, I was floating, hovering in a beam of light that shone down from the world above the rabbit hole. I looked up to find my guardian angel, the moon, keeping me safe.
I awoke and he was there beside me, sound asleep. I could see his chest retracting and his hands tucked under his pillow. I laid there as a streak of light came across my face. When I got up to look out the window, there she was. The moon.
I sat in my window looking up at her, thinking about how tough life is. Developing a career, building relationships, having financial stability, self-love, self-care. Have you ever just wanted to run away? Hide under your duvet to get away from it all? We learn the most about ourselves at night because no one can see us but ourselves.
I learned something that night. In my dream, I was running away from something I love, and this caused me to feel trapped, scared, and lost. In this dream, my love was him, my love was my career, my love was the life I’ve built. All I wanted to do was run away.
When I ran away, I wasn’t in control. I was an astronaut without a helmet.
I never want to feel like I’m not in control of my own life, my own actions, my own destiny. This is my life and I am always in control.
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